11*28*11

Life for me has been truly a traumatic to me. My marriage may no longer be and I don't understand why. I made a mistake of doing something out of anger and now Baine wants nothing to do with me. Surprisingly God has been giving me peace of mind as long as he's not here but then when he's not here I am kind of bitter because I need assistance with raising our son. It seems like when we're in the same room together that we are enemies. I don't want to be his enemy but his friend if that is what he only wants for me. We are both hurt but I'm choosing to handle mine in a mature manner and he's not. I mean I validate his feelings but I REFUSE to be treated like I'm a bad person and that it's my fault that things are the way they are. It takes two to tangle and I guess this happening because maybe we are not meant to be together anymore. I love him deeply because he is genuinely a nice person but he's VERY bitter with me for the mistakes that I've made in the past but he has to forgive in order to be forgiven and he must show mercy towards me. I am not asking him to be best friends with me but I at least want us to talk or have a conversation. My family is so disappointed and shocked at what is going on that it breaks my heart. He seems to be careless and unresponsive and it's so freakin' annoying!!! I've been praying and crying and crying and praying and yet I can't hear God. I want my marriage to last SO much but maybe God does not want that for me anymore because maybe we are more detrimental to each other. He no longer wears his wedding ring and every time I hear my phone ring or get a text I hope that it's him asking for some counseling because he does love me but I guess he truly is done with me and it's sad. All of these years that we've been married and we've had so many good times and now it comes down to this. God please heal both of our hearts!!!

11*25*11

Yesterday was thanksgiving and I had a great one. I celebrated it with my family and even my younger brother showed up. I drank a good amount of wine but didn't get drunk. I felt free you know? Since the last time I had posted Baine has asked for a divorce. It hurt my deeply, I'm not sure if he was saying that out of anger or was really serious. Part of me deep down inside says that he doesn't really want to go through a divorce because if that happens I am asking him to move out. I can't be under the same roof with someone that I'm going to divorce. I love Baine very much and he had NOTHING when I married him. He didn't even have a place to stay because his mom kicked him out but I asked my MOM if he could live with us because I cared about him and I just didn't want to leave him on the streets but he has forgotten that now because I made a mistake of doing something sexual with one of my ex-best friends and also that I gave him my wedding ring and told him that I was done and to keep it until he got counseling. He said that he didn't remember me saying that I wanted him to keep the ring until he got married only the part when I gave him back the wedding ring and he's never been the same since. I have apologized several times because I was sorry for hurting him and that is why I did it in the first place because I wanted to hurt him like he has hurt me all of these years talking to me like I'm his damn daughter. Listen, my anxiety would get so bad sometimes that I had to make sure that the kitchen was clean and the bed made before he got home for fear that he would be disappointed in me and want to start an argument. He won't straight out start an argument with me but his body language says it all and I just got so sick of it! When I married Baine I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part and he says that his love for me was gone when I gave him back the ring! He's full of shit! Yet again it's ALL about him ya know? I am NOT going to spend my life asking someone to forgive me when God has forgiven me. Baine had this baggage before he met me and there is a lot that he has done to me that I haven't told everyone about. He is generous but he can also be nasty, I mean really nasty and selfish. I thought that I was selfish, shoot he gives me a run for my money especially when he's annoyed or pissed off. He has a lot on his plate dealing with his mom being sick and then myself dealing with my mental illness so naturally he would want some space but a divorce? Well I've been praying like CRAZY that God will not bring this about because I really do love Baine. If I didn't I would have left a long time ago. We are both hurt and maybe being apart will change us both for the better that well he doesn't have to "deal" with me and I don't have to deal with his mom being sick and him putting that off on me. I talked to him today about what he wanted to do for Xmas and he said that we can spend it together and I know that previously he had what he wanted to get for me already but this year I know that he's not getting me nothing however I will see what I can get for him. He may not even accept it, if so I'll give it to my brother. I'm thinking about giving him a gift card to like best buy or something. I don't want to fight fire with fire because I don't have the strength to do it and also God won't be pleased with me acting that way because the Bible says to try to be peaceful with everyone. If it comes out that we actually do divorce and our marriage is irreconcilable then I want to stay the apartment and want alimony and child support paid out because it's his fault. Love shouldn't hurt and he has definitely changed when I made the mistake that I did with Kimmie. I was completely lucid for crying out loud!!! I made a mistake, and I didn't INTENTIONALLY do what I did but accidentally did what I did and I even told him about which I now regret. I told him because if he had made the same mistake I would like him to be honest with me and tell me what he did you know? I think it's a matter of respect. I'm praying for a miracle because I don't want my son to grow up with his parents divorced. I know what that feels like yet I don't want to be in a marriage for the baby either. We shall soon see right?

11*21*11- Life Sucks Now

Man I have never been more challenged as I have been this year. First I lost my job over some bull shit and then my mental state of mind went even worse than it's been in awhile. Now my mother in law is doing worse since she has been receiving chemo and it sucks and now my marriage is in shambles.. I've been married for almost 9 years and now my husband and I aren't even talking because I said that I was done and gave him my wedding ring but I only did it because I had enough of him degrading me and making me feel like an incompetent so now he's VERY pissed and told me that he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with me which makes me think that he's seeing another person. He emphatically tells me that there is no one else but I don't believe that shit at all. He's freaking crazy sometimes and he is not the only person that needs to be medicated, SO I'm just praying and giving it to the Lord. I have spoken to my granny and my two aunts and they said that no matter what happens they are there for me. I told Baine that I do not want a divorce and he said that he didn't want either but I'm trying to get prepared because our relationship depends on his decision. I can't make him stay with me so I need to focus on getting myself better and looking out for our son. I love him very much and will always love him but I don't know what has happened to him or us. I'm praying that something changes. If we need to separate for him to change then that needs to be done but I'm not going to blame myself or kiss his ass because I have already asked for his forgiveness the rest of it is his responsibility. Okay now that I've gotten that out, lately I have been doing okay and God has given me a peace that the Bible says that "transcends all understanding" and life is hell but it's tolerble when you have God in your life. I'm trying to be patient with myself and let myself feel what it is I'm feeling and trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel the way I do I just have to let it come out because the longer I suppress it the sicker I become and more depressed. The Bible states that there is no pain and suffering in heaven. I thank God for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I'm listening to Indie Arie and there's a song that is called, "Beautiful" and it's an AMAZING song and sums up what is going on in my life. She says that she wants to go to beautiful which I take it to being heaven and although I am dreadfully scared to die, man I want to go to heaven because I don't like this situation that I'm going through but I believe that God is putting me through this because I have to become more independent and not co-dependent like I've been for 8 1/2 years. It's scary like hell but I'm being thrown in the deep end forgetting that I know that I can swim without help..Like David said, " With my God I can scale a wall". I have depended on Baine for so long that I never took the time and did things for myself because I didn't want to have the responsibility of taking care of business but I'm forced to do this because I shouldn't have done this in the first place but this happens in most marriages. All I can do is let go and let God.

11*9*11

Yesterday's posting was quite written during a highly irritating phase. Today I feel more calm and at ease. My son whom I love with every breath inside of me is pushing my limits of sanity.Yesterday my granny came over unannounced and I was presently surprised. I love my granny very much. She has definitely been a voice of hope during these past few years. Sometimes I don't like what she has to say to me because she says it from a primitive point of view but nevertheless she says it because she loves me and I love her deeply. I am saddened to hear the death of Heavy D. Instincts tell me that he died of a heart attack given the symptoms that he was having prior to his death. Reading that article suddenly brought up the anxiety of dying of a heart attack myself because my dad died at the age of 43 of a heart attack and that is young!! Life reminds me of the words that Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 1:12:  "What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun. All of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind". Everyone must die and I felt like I was going to die yesterday when I went for a walk with my son. I took a bite of my drug of choice and I don't know if I was full or just tired but all of a sudden my breathing became shallow and I felt myself feeling faint and so I wanted so desperately to get back home. Once I was home I just sat down on the couch and laid there. I was asking God not to take me. Man, those damn pharmaceutical pills will kill ya if you're not careful! I feel like satan is trying to kill me and part of me is letting him by indulging in my sinful pleasures. I don't want to die as a cause of suicide or making a mistake of mixing something with something else but I do want to feel numb. I want to not have thoughts going round and round in my brain like some damn Ferris wheel. I want my friends to take this seriously and not judge me on what is going on in my life currently. They say that depression happens to everyone but I'm not everyone. I am constantly depressed even though there is nothing to be depressed for. I am EXTREMELY blessed by a heavenly Father who I owe the utmost gratitude. My stomach is acting up today. I have gastritis which is an inflammation of the lining of my stomach. When it flares up it makes it almost impossible to eat sometimes. I am happy that I started this, this way of openly expressing myself to those who are interested in knowing or may have the same experiences in their life or in their love one's lives. I do have several journals at home but writing is like heroin to me. It intoxicates and delights me like wine and I want to do it more and more not caring about the consequences it might bring me. I am not a snitch or am I trying to put anyone on blast but the truth is the truth and it is what it is. I try to be discreet about some issues going on personally but sometimes you gotta let the BEAST out, so what do I do? I vomit it out... I don't mean to make a vulgar description when I need to write how I am feeling but that is what it feels like sometime. I don't want to defame anyone especially my family and friends I just write just like I like to breathe. I just close now by saying that I appreciate all of the feedback that I get from every viewer of this blog. God bless....

11*8*11

It has been awhile since my last post. I have been going through some things that I don't quite feel comfortable in sharing at this point. I am disappointed in my friends except Edlih. She has really taken the time to take this stuff seriously. Writing these posts are sort of my way of writing my own chapter in a book perhaps. I have written hundreds of poems yet the emptiness inside of me remains so what do I do? I self medicate. I will not say what I use to self medicate but only to say that it keeps me wanting to get up and live for that very moment. Everyone has problems and skeletons; some of them are better at hiding them from the world especially those they love and care about. Writing this post sort of leaves the door ajar but not quite open yet. I feel that if I truly revealed everything that I would be thrown into a behavioral facility which I wouldn't want to avoid at the moment. I can't explain how scared I am to live and die. Sometimes I want to take my life but that thought becomes short lived because I KNOW that I won't be going to heaven if I kill myself. The Bible speaks of destroying the body. Then I'll have a headache or pain my chest and the first thing that I think about is a heart attack or aneurysm and then I panic and worse off then before. I have lost a lot of weight this year and I like it. It sucks that I can't wear most of my clothes but I like getting on the scale and seeing my weight under 150lbs. I have never been this thin and my family tell me that I need to gain some weight but I don't want to because it would be something that I can't control. I choose what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. I can no longer eat the size portions that I used to which is a good thing. I tell doctors it's the stress but it really is the ummm... meds that I take. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to get a masectomy which not only removed her breast but the cancer spread to one of her lymph nodes on the right side and she had to get that removed!! Then due to the INCOMPETENT doctor or surgeon she ended up back into the hospital twice for infections!! I feel so bad for her and so bad for feeling frustrated with her sometimes. I lack compassion to some of the things that I know that she can but she just doesn't want to do it. She is undergoing chemo and her hair has fallen out and it's so sad to c her that way. She has sores in her mouth and down her throat which makes it hard for her to actually taste the food that she eats. Sometimes she has nausea and has to vomit.I feel like such a bitch for getting mad every time Baine has to do something for her. I feel like I'm so damn needy sometimes. It's hard for me to even type these words or have these feelings when I pray and read my Bible everyday. I feel like God is mad at me and disappointed in me for not wanting to do everything for her because I have no idea how it feels to have cancer. I told myself that if I had to die of something I would rather it be cancer which is fucking twisted right?!! I feel like cutting myself now. Yes I am an "offiicial" cutter. When the anxiety and self loathing get so severe that God is mad at me that is when I cut. At first I feel nothing but a scratch but then I have to go deeper to break the skin that way I see blood. Once I've seen the blood I stop. When I cut myself I feel like all of the evil inside of me has been drawn out. Once I have cut myself I clean the wound and put neosporin on it and then a welt appears and I love that part!! Yes I am sick and that is why I was approved to receive SSD... I didn't want to apply for it but I had to do something because I became more and more depressed and was having impulsive thoughts of hurting my son. Well this has definitely been a hard thing to say. I pray that it doesn't change anyone's opinion of me because I am a Christian dealing with a mental illness.

Frustration

Throughout this whole ordeal I am learning to be patient with myself and others. I have lost relationships along this journey of life and I hope not to loose any more. It is extremely difficult for me to keep it together for my son let alone my husband sometimes. I don't want to be negative or make others unhappy but when I feel like I'm going down that deep dark tunnel, it's a blessing that I have a husband who understands and is there to support me in any way possible. He does get irritated because he can't "Fix" me. I am not the same person he met 8 years ago. I have always been depressed but the degree of depression has increased seven-fold. I put on facade for him because I wanted him to think that I had it all together and I didn't but the depression wasn't like it is now out of control. I am on medication thank the good Lord but medication can only do so much so I am in therapy and it has taken me a lot of courage to be at the state that I'm in right now.

Moving On To The Present- A Christian dealing with mental illness.

The reason why I have decided to move forward with my past is because there is so much of it that has happened to me that it would take FOREVER for me to reach this point. Well I am officially diagnosed with  having Bi-Polar II, OCD, PTSD, ADHD,and GAD. I'm a mess right? To be honest I do feel like a mess most of the time. I have a 3 year old that I love very much see me break down and cry when my OCD is out of control. I am embarrassed to even say that I'm officially a "cutter". This means that I cut myself when the voices in my head get TOO overwhelming and when I cut myself, mentally I feel like the evil inside of me is drawn out. Yes I hear two voices in my head most of the times. I am NOT schizochophrenic in any way because I don't hear different voices and I don't experience paranoia from the voices. I hear two distinct voices but they are my own voices. One of the voices which I feel is the Holy Spirit talks to me when I've done something bad and takes me back to center and says, "Relax God is not mad at you", but the other voice makes me feel like God is mad at me and that he wants to kill me because I watched a movie that haD profanity in it so I feel this inward struggle that makes me want to not only cut myself but do drugs as well. I look at all of these people on the show, "Intervention" that smoke crack, do heroin all because their parents divorced! C'mon my parents were not only divorced at one time but there were countless times that my mom threw our dad out of the house and yet by the GRACE of God I managed to go to school, graduate from college making the Dean's List, and going to get my paralegal certificate while also making the Dean's List for my academic achievements. I am not saying that I'm better than those people but I'm saying that it goes to show you that a traumatic experience to someone may not be traumatic to someone else. The trauma that I experienced in my life has caused me to have be in constant worry that I'm going to die young like my dad, insomnia, homicidal/suicidal thoughts that also contribute to me cutting myself, most importantly I can not watch televsion before I have read the Bible because my anxiety is SOO bad that I think that God is mad at me and thinking that I chose to watch TV than to fellowship with Him by reading the Bible. I read the bible everyday and there are passages that I know by heart however I am scared to have God love me and be close to me because my dad was close to God and God took him from me. I don't have control and I want it. I want to kill myself sometimes yet I don't want God to take me from my son at such a young age. I feel horrible all of the time. I can't tell you how many times that I've wanted to try heroin because it's an opiate because I don't want to FEEL anything at all! I go to a psychiatrist who is very good with my meds but I take a lot of meds just to function because of my OCD/Bi- Polar/ Insomnia I have to take two mood stabilizers because if I don't I feel these intrusive thoughts to hurt someone, specifically my child. I haven't been able to share this with anyone so there are only a selected few that I will allow to take part in this journey. My goal in doing this process to let you know that even though you're a Christian and have a mental disability don't get down on yourself.

Continuation- A Christian dealing with mental illness- I hear the steam can someone take the pot off of the fire please?

When my dad died my mother did not seek counseling for herself, my brother and I. Instead she took us to Hawaii for ten days and when you're 13 years old Hawaii didn't seem like a bad idea. While in Hawaii I didn't focus on my dad's death just enjoying the view and the many things that Hawaii offered. One day while on the trip, my mother left my brother and I to do what we wanted to do but we had to stay near the hotel so we decided to order some "virgin" pina coladas and enjoy the beautiful weather. We did a lot of things when we were in Hawaii. We saw Pearl Harbor, went to a Luau, the beach and the Dole pineapple factory. I didn't know how good pineapples were when they first came off the tree. You'd think that the grief wouldn't be too intense when we got back home but that was the opposite. When I returned back to school everyone knew that my dad had died and I felt like a celebrity telling the same story over and over. To me Hawaii only was a mask to temporarily forget the extreme loss of losing a parent. The pain came back to me with a vengeance. I felt a huge hole in my heart that would eventually become hard that I didn't think that anything could fix it and my longing for death began. My mom decided that we needed a new change in scenery so we moved after my 7th grade year to Glendale. I was so nervous to start a new school let alone an "all white" school. I wasn't prejudiced or anything just scared because I didn't know if they would accept me because of my color. My fears didn't last for long because I did make some friends but I also felt like the black sheep because there were only two black people in the entire 8th grade class! God had given me a gift to be able to sing and sing well. I joined the choir along with one of my best friends and we went to different competitions in which we had to sing a piece that we learned in front of different judges for a for an award. My friend and I got some awards and we were happy. I remember when my 8th class first heard me sing. I was in "home room" and were allowed to do anything but homework and the movie, "The Bodyguard" had just came out starring Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner. Whitney Houston was the "ying" to my "yang". I wanted to sing like her because her voice was like no other I had ever heard. I had brought the movie soundtrack with me and there was a song called, "I Will Always Love You". Well I started singing that song quietly to myself and one of my friends heard me sing and asked me if that was me singing and I told him no. I started quietly singing again and he turned and asked me if I was singing and I said no the second time. Finally he caught right in the middle of the hook of the song and yelled, " Tasha can sing!" I wanted to strangle him because my voice was my little secret and I wasn't ready to share that secret with the entire 8th grade! My teacher asked me if I would sing that song to the class and I was reluctant at first but the begging became too much so I did and then the crying came and the cheers. What had I done? From that moment on I never felt nor was treated the same.

Continuation: A Christian dealing with mental illness- How long will it take before the pot boils over?

The very part of sanity for myself found it's way in guys that used me for other purposes, alcohol, really dark poetry. Poetry was my voice and my demise. I expressed myself and my feelings through poetry but that was all that I used to express my feelings. I had no voice it seemed because I had no confidence. I believe and still do believe that my feelings are not worth talking about because either I take things too seriously, or I think that the person whom I am speaking to won't validate my feelings. Why should it matter right? The very air that I breathe has to do with acceptance. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I have a deep desire to try to please everyone because I wanted people to like me. I have carried this burden since the day after my dad's death. I tried so hard to find acceptance, I mean "true" acceptance from my mother but she never could give that back to me because she did not receive acceptance from her father. The cycle abuse does can duplicate itself throughout generations. Part of me feels sorry for my mother while the other part of me wishes that she wasn't my mother at all. We're told to accept our parent's mistakes because they "did the best that they could" well I believe that that saying is not exactly "easy" to do. My mom says that she did the best that she could but did she? She told me that she never wanted children and that I was her so-called, "Trojan Baby." What the hell is a "Trojan Baby?" I asked her what that meant and she later told me that she named me that because she used a Trojan condom and I still managed to be conceived. And you wonder why I feel like I don't belong here.Sadly after my dad died I felt a deep longing to leave with him because I didn't know who I was without him. My dad was sweet, lovable, and stern when he had to be; a people person that loved his family and most of all loved the Lord. He helped reinforce Christ in my life by not only his words but his actions as well. I remember him telling me this: "I don't think that I am going to be here too much longer but whatever you do always put God first in your life." and three days later he was gone. Everyone in this world has experienced some type of loss- more frequent than others but the degree of losing my dad was the catalyst of this catastrophic illness.

Day Two: A Christian dealing with mental illness- The Boiling Pot

Today I am happy to say that I received a comment from one of my dear friends and that makes my heart happy. My goal in blogging is not to gain sympothy but to let people know that even though you are a Christian or believe in God doesn't mean that you can't have a mental illness. Just like diabetes or any other illness, mental illness is just as important and needs to be treated with therapy and medication. Not everyone that is depressed has a mental illness. I was diagnosed with being manic depressive or "clinically depressed" and I didn't realize that having no treatment would later end up making me even more sick. Subsequently, after I tried to commit suicide I was told by a social worker that I had to either get outpatient therapy or that I would be admitted into a behavioral health facility so I chose to go with seeing a therapist. Although I found a therapist to go to I didn't like the feeling of exposing myself to that person. I had a great fear that opening up the pot of boiling water would later burn me in the end and I would become even more depressed so what I did was shut down. I would talk to the therapist about ordinary subjects like when did the depression start and so on. I was attending ASU at the time and something happened that made the pot boil even more. A friend of mine had passed away prematurely and right then I had wished it was me who died and not her. I was so distraught and absolutely out of my mind that I stopped seeing the therapist that I was going to and tried another which didn't help me either way. At this point in time I was given no medication to take and didn't know that I would need to. Has anyone felt that their life experiences were kept in a boiling pot ready to pop at anytime?

Day One- The Beginning- When the illness began

I was brought up in a Christian home and taught to believe in a God that loves us unconditionally. Although that I knew this I no recollection that I was sexually abused until some years after I lost my dad at an early age. I have been depressed most of my adolescent life. I never knew what depression really was because I felt unhappy ALL of the time and didn't know why. After my dad died something inside of me died and the remembrance of my sexual abuse became real and that is when everything went downhill. At 15 I was diagnosed with being clinically depressed and having a chemical imbalance. I had no idea what "clinically depressed" meant. I was told that I had a low level of "serotonin". I tried to commit suicide when I was 19 years old because I had enough of being lectured by my mother and feeling that no one loved me. My mother made no real attempts to pull me out of my self loathing so the depression grew to extraordinary lengths.I had no idea how greatly this disease would affect my future.