11*9*11

Yesterday's posting was quite written during a highly irritating phase. Today I feel more calm and at ease. My son whom I love with every breath inside of me is pushing my limits of sanity.Yesterday my granny came over unannounced and I was presently surprised. I love my granny very much. She has definitely been a voice of hope during these past few years. Sometimes I don't like what she has to say to me because she says it from a primitive point of view but nevertheless she says it because she loves me and I love her deeply. I am saddened to hear the death of Heavy D. Instincts tell me that he died of a heart attack given the symptoms that he was having prior to his death. Reading that article suddenly brought up the anxiety of dying of a heart attack myself because my dad died at the age of 43 of a heart attack and that is young!! Life reminds me of the words that Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 1:12:  "What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun. All of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind". Everyone must die and I felt like I was going to die yesterday when I went for a walk with my son. I took a bite of my drug of choice and I don't know if I was full or just tired but all of a sudden my breathing became shallow and I felt myself feeling faint and so I wanted so desperately to get back home. Once I was home I just sat down on the couch and laid there. I was asking God not to take me. Man, those damn pharmaceutical pills will kill ya if you're not careful! I feel like satan is trying to kill me and part of me is letting him by indulging in my sinful pleasures. I don't want to die as a cause of suicide or making a mistake of mixing something with something else but I do want to feel numb. I want to not have thoughts going round and round in my brain like some damn Ferris wheel. I want my friends to take this seriously and not judge me on what is going on in my life currently. They say that depression happens to everyone but I'm not everyone. I am constantly depressed even though there is nothing to be depressed for. I am EXTREMELY blessed by a heavenly Father who I owe the utmost gratitude. My stomach is acting up today. I have gastritis which is an inflammation of the lining of my stomach. When it flares up it makes it almost impossible to eat sometimes. I am happy that I started this, this way of openly expressing myself to those who are interested in knowing or may have the same experiences in their life or in their love one's lives. I do have several journals at home but writing is like heroin to me. It intoxicates and delights me like wine and I want to do it more and more not caring about the consequences it might bring me. I am not a snitch or am I trying to put anyone on blast but the truth is the truth and it is what it is. I try to be discreet about some issues going on personally but sometimes you gotta let the BEAST out, so what do I do? I vomit it out... I don't mean to make a vulgar description when I need to write how I am feeling but that is what it feels like sometime. I don't want to defame anyone especially my family and friends I just write just like I like to breathe. I just close now by saying that I appreciate all of the feedback that I get from every viewer of this blog. God bless....