11*25*11

Yesterday was thanksgiving and I had a great one. I celebrated it with my family and even my younger brother showed up. I drank a good amount of wine but didn't get drunk. I felt free you know? Since the last time I had posted Baine has asked for a divorce. It hurt my deeply, I'm not sure if he was saying that out of anger or was really serious. Part of me deep down inside says that he doesn't really want to go through a divorce because if that happens I am asking him to move out. I can't be under the same roof with someone that I'm going to divorce. I love Baine very much and he had NOTHING when I married him. He didn't even have a place to stay because his mom kicked him out but I asked my MOM if he could live with us because I cared about him and I just didn't want to leave him on the streets but he has forgotten that now because I made a mistake of doing something sexual with one of my ex-best friends and also that I gave him my wedding ring and told him that I was done and to keep it until he got counseling. He said that he didn't remember me saying that I wanted him to keep the ring until he got married only the part when I gave him back the wedding ring and he's never been the same since. I have apologized several times because I was sorry for hurting him and that is why I did it in the first place because I wanted to hurt him like he has hurt me all of these years talking to me like I'm his damn daughter. Listen, my anxiety would get so bad sometimes that I had to make sure that the kitchen was clean and the bed made before he got home for fear that he would be disappointed in me and want to start an argument. He won't straight out start an argument with me but his body language says it all and I just got so sick of it! When I married Baine I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part and he says that his love for me was gone when I gave him back the ring! He's full of shit! Yet again it's ALL about him ya know? I am NOT going to spend my life asking someone to forgive me when God has forgiven me. Baine had this baggage before he met me and there is a lot that he has done to me that I haven't told everyone about. He is generous but he can also be nasty, I mean really nasty and selfish. I thought that I was selfish, shoot he gives me a run for my money especially when he's annoyed or pissed off. He has a lot on his plate dealing with his mom being sick and then myself dealing with my mental illness so naturally he would want some space but a divorce? Well I've been praying like CRAZY that God will not bring this about because I really do love Baine. If I didn't I would have left a long time ago. We are both hurt and maybe being apart will change us both for the better that well he doesn't have to "deal" with me and I don't have to deal with his mom being sick and him putting that off on me. I talked to him today about what he wanted to do for Xmas and he said that we can spend it together and I know that previously he had what he wanted to get for me already but this year I know that he's not getting me nothing however I will see what I can get for him. He may not even accept it, if so I'll give it to my brother. I'm thinking about giving him a gift card to like best buy or something. I don't want to fight fire with fire because I don't have the strength to do it and also God won't be pleased with me acting that way because the Bible says to try to be peaceful with everyone. If it comes out that we actually do divorce and our marriage is irreconcilable then I want to stay the apartment and want alimony and child support paid out because it's his fault. Love shouldn't hurt and he has definitely changed when I made the mistake that I did with Kimmie. I was completely lucid for crying out loud!!! I made a mistake, and I didn't INTENTIONALLY do what I did but accidentally did what I did and I even told him about which I now regret. I told him because if he had made the same mistake I would like him to be honest with me and tell me what he did you know? I think it's a matter of respect. I'm praying for a miracle because I don't want my son to grow up with his parents divorced. I know what that feels like yet I don't want to be in a marriage for the baby either. We shall soon see right?