11*21*11- Life Sucks Now

Man I have never been more challenged as I have been this year. First I lost my job over some bull shit and then my mental state of mind went even worse than it's been in awhile. Now my mother in law is doing worse since she has been receiving chemo and it sucks and now my marriage is in shambles.. I've been married for almost 9 years and now my husband and I aren't even talking because I said that I was done and gave him my wedding ring but I only did it because I had enough of him degrading me and making me feel like an incompetent so now he's VERY pissed and told me that he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with me which makes me think that he's seeing another person. He emphatically tells me that there is no one else but I don't believe that shit at all. He's freaking crazy sometimes and he is not the only person that needs to be medicated, SO I'm just praying and giving it to the Lord. I have spoken to my granny and my two aunts and they said that no matter what happens they are there for me. I told Baine that I do not want a divorce and he said that he didn't want either but I'm trying to get prepared because our relationship depends on his decision. I can't make him stay with me so I need to focus on getting myself better and looking out for our son. I love him very much and will always love him but I don't know what has happened to him or us. I'm praying that something changes. If we need to separate for him to change then that needs to be done but I'm not going to blame myself or kiss his ass because I have already asked for his forgiveness the rest of it is his responsibility. Okay now that I've gotten that out, lately I have been doing okay and God has given me a peace that the Bible says that "transcends all understanding" and life is hell but it's tolerble when you have God in your life. I'm trying to be patient with myself and let myself feel what it is I'm feeling and trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel the way I do I just have to let it come out because the longer I suppress it the sicker I become and more depressed. The Bible states that there is no pain and suffering in heaven. I thank God for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I'm listening to Indie Arie and there's a song that is called, "Beautiful" and it's an AMAZING song and sums up what is going on in my life. She says that she wants to go to beautiful which I take it to being heaven and although I am dreadfully scared to die, man I want to go to heaven because I don't like this situation that I'm going through but I believe that God is putting me through this because I have to become more independent and not co-dependent like I've been for 8 1/2 years. It's scary like hell but I'm being thrown in the deep end forgetting that I know that I can swim without help..Like David said, " With my God I can scale a wall". I have depended on Baine for so long that I never took the time and did things for myself because I didn't want to have the responsibility of taking care of business but I'm forced to do this because I shouldn't have done this in the first place but this happens in most marriages. All I can do is let go and let God.