11*8*11

It has been awhile since my last post. I have been going through some things that I don't quite feel comfortable in sharing at this point. I am disappointed in my friends except Edlih. She has really taken the time to take this stuff seriously. Writing these posts are sort of my way of writing my own chapter in a book perhaps. I have written hundreds of poems yet the emptiness inside of me remains so what do I do? I self medicate. I will not say what I use to self medicate but only to say that it keeps me wanting to get up and live for that very moment. Everyone has problems and skeletons; some of them are better at hiding them from the world especially those they love and care about. Writing this post sort of leaves the door ajar but not quite open yet. I feel that if I truly revealed everything that I would be thrown into a behavioral facility which I wouldn't want to avoid at the moment. I can't explain how scared I am to live and die. Sometimes I want to take my life but that thought becomes short lived because I KNOW that I won't be going to heaven if I kill myself. The Bible speaks of destroying the body. Then I'll have a headache or pain my chest and the first thing that I think about is a heart attack or aneurysm and then I panic and worse off then before. I have lost a lot of weight this year and I like it. It sucks that I can't wear most of my clothes but I like getting on the scale and seeing my weight under 150lbs. I have never been this thin and my family tell me that I need to gain some weight but I don't want to because it would be something that I can't control. I choose what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. I can no longer eat the size portions that I used to which is a good thing. I tell doctors it's the stress but it really is the ummm... meds that I take. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to get a masectomy which not only removed her breast but the cancer spread to one of her lymph nodes on the right side and she had to get that removed!! Then due to the INCOMPETENT doctor or surgeon she ended up back into the hospital twice for infections!! I feel so bad for her and so bad for feeling frustrated with her sometimes. I lack compassion to some of the things that I know that she can but she just doesn't want to do it. She is undergoing chemo and her hair has fallen out and it's so sad to c her that way. She has sores in her mouth and down her throat which makes it hard for her to actually taste the food that she eats. Sometimes she has nausea and has to vomit.I feel like such a bitch for getting mad every time Baine has to do something for her. I feel like I'm so damn needy sometimes. It's hard for me to even type these words or have these feelings when I pray and read my Bible everyday. I feel like God is mad at me and disappointed in me for not wanting to do everything for her because I have no idea how it feels to have cancer. I told myself that if I had to die of something I would rather it be cancer which is fucking twisted right?!! I feel like cutting myself now. Yes I am an "offiicial" cutter. When the anxiety and self loathing get so severe that God is mad at me that is when I cut. At first I feel nothing but a scratch but then I have to go deeper to break the skin that way I see blood. Once I've seen the blood I stop. When I cut myself I feel like all of the evil inside of me has been drawn out. Once I have cut myself I clean the wound and put neosporin on it and then a welt appears and I love that part!! Yes I am sick and that is why I was approved to receive SSD... I didn't want to apply for it but I had to do something because I became more and more depressed and was having impulsive thoughts of hurting my son. Well this has definitely been a hard thing to say. I pray that it doesn't change anyone's opinion of me because I am a Christian dealing with a mental illness.