Continuation: A Christian dealing with mental illness- How long will it take before the pot boils over?

The very part of sanity for myself found it's way in guys that used me for other purposes, alcohol, really dark poetry. Poetry was my voice and my demise. I expressed myself and my feelings through poetry but that was all that I used to express my feelings. I had no voice it seemed because I had no confidence. I believe and still do believe that my feelings are not worth talking about because either I take things too seriously, or I think that the person whom I am speaking to won't validate my feelings. Why should it matter right? The very air that I breathe has to do with acceptance. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I have a deep desire to try to please everyone because I wanted people to like me. I have carried this burden since the day after my dad's death. I tried so hard to find acceptance, I mean "true" acceptance from my mother but she never could give that back to me because she did not receive acceptance from her father. The cycle abuse does can duplicate itself throughout generations. Part of me feels sorry for my mother while the other part of me wishes that she wasn't my mother at all. We're told to accept our parent's mistakes because they "did the best that they could" well I believe that that saying is not exactly "easy" to do. My mom says that she did the best that she could but did she? She told me that she never wanted children and that I was her so-called, "Trojan Baby." What the hell is a "Trojan Baby?" I asked her what that meant and she later told me that she named me that because she used a Trojan condom and I still managed to be conceived. And you wonder why I feel like I don't belong here.Sadly after my dad died I felt a deep longing to leave with him because I didn't know who I was without him. My dad was sweet, lovable, and stern when he had to be; a people person that loved his family and most of all loved the Lord. He helped reinforce Christ in my life by not only his words but his actions as well. I remember him telling me this: "I don't think that I am going to be here too much longer but whatever you do always put God first in your life." and three days later he was gone. Everyone in this world has experienced some type of loss- more frequent than others but the degree of losing my dad was the catalyst of this catastrophic illness.