Where has the time gone?.....

I am sort of ashamed to say that I kind of let myself go and not keep this thing up to date. It appears that no one cares to read it but I write it only for my gratification. Ahhh.. well here goes the story. About three years ago I made the BIGGEST mistake that I thought that I would NEVER make. I went outside the marriage and had a sexual experience with another person. This incident was not planned but it was not stopped either because I was extremely inebriated at the time of the incident. My heart broke into pieces because I have NEVER done anything like that before but I felt compelled to tell Baine what happened. The initial reaction was silence. I don't know what I was expecting to occur but I was scared straight. Baine didn't talk to me for a few days and it felt awkward but I could do nothing to change that so I let him be. I let him do whatever he needed to do to cope with this because infidelity is the utmost betrayal that I've ever heard of. So naturally my heart writhes in pain because this person who made a vow not only to him but to God to be faithful has gone out of that circle of trust. Immediately I asked God for forgiveness but I wasn't sure of what would become of my marriage. Would Baine forgive me? Would he want to divorce? Would he go and get even by cheating on me with someone else? I do not justify my mistake but I have learned from it and want to be the best mate for Baine because I love him very much. I don't think that he realizes how much I love him which breaks my heart because I thought that love could withstand whatever obstacle that would be thrown in our way but I have been proven wrong and here I am April 11, 2012 living alone with our son while he has his own place and my hope of becoming a family solely relies on God and my husband's decision. I haven't prayed so much since Caleb passed away. I'm trying to put myself in Baine's shoes and look at the circumstances from his perspective and I begin to hurt even worse because I know that I would be PISSED, however if he had feelings for the person that he committed the affair with, then it would be difficult for me to get passed that because once you have developed an emotional tie to someone it is VERY difficult to separate yourself from that person. My cousin is living with me now from California. I remember my cousin and I being very close during our childhood and I asked for her to come here when Baine decided to move out but now the transition from a male to a female is challenging sometimes. My cousin and I are alike in some ways but there are things that make us happy and make us mad or sad and some of the things that would make me mad causes sort of friction between us and it's hard trying to deal with what is going on with Baine and I and then having to deal with the things that my cousin and I don't necessary see eye to eye on but she has done me a great service being here I'm just getting to know her because events in life changes people all of the time. I know that I am NOT the easiest person to live with but I don't try to stay stuck. My thing has to be that I am a procrastinator and sometimes I am moody that I need to fix because I don't want to hurt other's feelings and I don't want my son to develop those types of mannerisms by watching his ole' mom.

What is your thought on that? The interesting thing is that the answer to this question is entirely subjective because it's interpretation is not the same and is open to the listener for a debate

11*28*11

Life for me has been truly a traumatic to me. My marriage may no longer be and I don't understand why. I made a mistake of doing something out of anger and now Baine wants nothing to do with me. Surprisingly God has been giving me peace of mind as long as he's not here but then when he's not here I am kind of bitter because I need assistance with raising our son. It seems like when we're in the same room together that we are enemies. I don't want to be his enemy but his friend if that is what he only wants for me. We are both hurt but I'm choosing to handle mine in a mature manner and he's not. I mean I validate his feelings but I REFUSE to be treated like I'm a bad person and that it's my fault that things are the way they are. It takes two to tangle and I guess this happening because maybe we are not meant to be together anymore. I love him deeply because he is genuinely a nice person but he's VERY bitter with me for the mistakes that I've made in the past but he has to forgive in order to be forgiven and he must show mercy towards me. I am not asking him to be best friends with me but I at least want us to talk or have a conversation. My family is so disappointed and shocked at what is going on that it breaks my heart. He seems to be careless and unresponsive and it's so freakin' annoying!!! I've been praying and crying and crying and praying and yet I can't hear God. I want my marriage to last SO much but maybe God does not want that for me anymore because maybe we are more detrimental to each other. He no longer wears his wedding ring and every time I hear my phone ring or get a text I hope that it's him asking for some counseling because he does love me but I guess he truly is done with me and it's sad. All of these years that we've been married and we've had so many good times and now it comes down to this. God please heal both of our hearts!!!

11*25*11

Yesterday was thanksgiving and I had a great one. I celebrated it with my family and even my younger brother showed up. I drank a good amount of wine but didn't get drunk. I felt free you know? Since the last time I had posted Baine has asked for a divorce. It hurt my deeply, I'm not sure if he was saying that out of anger or was really serious. Part of me deep down inside says that he doesn't really want to go through a divorce because if that happens I am asking him to move out. I can't be under the same roof with someone that I'm going to divorce. I love Baine very much and he had NOTHING when I married him. He didn't even have a place to stay because his mom kicked him out but I asked my MOM if he could live with us because I cared about him and I just didn't want to leave him on the streets but he has forgotten that now because I made a mistake of doing something sexual with one of my ex-best friends and also that I gave him my wedding ring and told him that I was done and to keep it until he got counseling. He said that he didn't remember me saying that I wanted him to keep the ring until he got married only the part when I gave him back the wedding ring and he's never been the same since. I have apologized several times because I was sorry for hurting him and that is why I did it in the first place because I wanted to hurt him like he has hurt me all of these years talking to me like I'm his damn daughter. Listen, my anxiety would get so bad sometimes that I had to make sure that the kitchen was clean and the bed made before he got home for fear that he would be disappointed in me and want to start an argument. He won't straight out start an argument with me but his body language says it all and I just got so sick of it! When I married Baine I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part and he says that his love for me was gone when I gave him back the ring! He's full of shit! Yet again it's ALL about him ya know? I am NOT going to spend my life asking someone to forgive me when God has forgiven me. Baine had this baggage before he met me and there is a lot that he has done to me that I haven't told everyone about. He is generous but he can also be nasty, I mean really nasty and selfish. I thought that I was selfish, shoot he gives me a run for my money especially when he's annoyed or pissed off. He has a lot on his plate dealing with his mom being sick and then myself dealing with my mental illness so naturally he would want some space but a divorce? Well I've been praying like CRAZY that God will not bring this about because I really do love Baine. If I didn't I would have left a long time ago. We are both hurt and maybe being apart will change us both for the better that well he doesn't have to "deal" with me and I don't have to deal with his mom being sick and him putting that off on me. I talked to him today about what he wanted to do for Xmas and he said that we can spend it together and I know that previously he had what he wanted to get for me already but this year I know that he's not getting me nothing however I will see what I can get for him. He may not even accept it, if so I'll give it to my brother. I'm thinking about giving him a gift card to like best buy or something. I don't want to fight fire with fire because I don't have the strength to do it and also God won't be pleased with me acting that way because the Bible says to try to be peaceful with everyone. If it comes out that we actually do divorce and our marriage is irreconcilable then I want to stay the apartment and want alimony and child support paid out because it's his fault. Love shouldn't hurt and he has definitely changed when I made the mistake that I did with Kimmie. I was completely lucid for crying out loud!!! I made a mistake, and I didn't INTENTIONALLY do what I did but accidentally did what I did and I even told him about which I now regret. I told him because if he had made the same mistake I would like him to be honest with me and tell me what he did you know? I think it's a matter of respect. I'm praying for a miracle because I don't want my son to grow up with his parents divorced. I know what that feels like yet I don't want to be in a marriage for the baby either. We shall soon see right?

11*21*11- Life Sucks Now

Man I have never been more challenged as I have been this year. First I lost my job over some bull shit and then my mental state of mind went even worse than it's been in awhile. Now my mother in law is doing worse since she has been receiving chemo and it sucks and now my marriage is in shambles.. I've been married for almost 9 years and now my husband and I aren't even talking because I said that I was done and gave him my wedding ring but I only did it because I had enough of him degrading me and making me feel like an incompetent so now he's VERY pissed and told me that he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with me which makes me think that he's seeing another person. He emphatically tells me that there is no one else but I don't believe that shit at all. He's freaking crazy sometimes and he is not the only person that needs to be medicated, SO I'm just praying and giving it to the Lord. I have spoken to my granny and my two aunts and they said that no matter what happens they are there for me. I told Baine that I do not want a divorce and he said that he didn't want either but I'm trying to get prepared because our relationship depends on his decision. I can't make him stay with me so I need to focus on getting myself better and looking out for our son. I love him very much and will always love him but I don't know what has happened to him or us. I'm praying that something changes. If we need to separate for him to change then that needs to be done but I'm not going to blame myself or kiss his ass because I have already asked for his forgiveness the rest of it is his responsibility. Okay now that I've gotten that out, lately I have been doing okay and God has given me a peace that the Bible says that "transcends all understanding" and life is hell but it's tolerble when you have God in your life. I'm trying to be patient with myself and let myself feel what it is I'm feeling and trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel the way I do I just have to let it come out because the longer I suppress it the sicker I become and more depressed. The Bible states that there is no pain and suffering in heaven. I thank God for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I'm listening to Indie Arie and there's a song that is called, "Beautiful" and it's an AMAZING song and sums up what is going on in my life. She says that she wants to go to beautiful which I take it to being heaven and although I am dreadfully scared to die, man I want to go to heaven because I don't like this situation that I'm going through but I believe that God is putting me through this because I have to become more independent and not co-dependent like I've been for 8 1/2 years. It's scary like hell but I'm being thrown in the deep end forgetting that I know that I can swim without help..Like David said, " With my God I can scale a wall". I have depended on Baine for so long that I never took the time and did things for myself because I didn't want to have the responsibility of taking care of business but I'm forced to do this because I shouldn't have done this in the first place but this happens in most marriages. All I can do is let go and let God.

11*9*11

Yesterday's posting was quite written during a highly irritating phase. Today I feel more calm and at ease. My son whom I love with every breath inside of me is pushing my limits of sanity.Yesterday my granny came over unannounced and I was presently surprised. I love my granny very much. She has definitely been a voice of hope during these past few years. Sometimes I don't like what she has to say to me because she says it from a primitive point of view but nevertheless she says it because she loves me and I love her deeply. I am saddened to hear the death of Heavy D. Instincts tell me that he died of a heart attack given the symptoms that he was having prior to his death. Reading that article suddenly brought up the anxiety of dying of a heart attack myself because my dad died at the age of 43 of a heart attack and that is young!! Life reminds me of the words that Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 1:12:  "What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun. All of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind". Everyone must die and I felt like I was going to die yesterday when I went for a walk with my son. I took a bite of my drug of choice and I don't know if I was full or just tired but all of a sudden my breathing became shallow and I felt myself feeling faint and so I wanted so desperately to get back home. Once I was home I just sat down on the couch and laid there. I was asking God not to take me. Man, those damn pharmaceutical pills will kill ya if you're not careful! I feel like satan is trying to kill me and part of me is letting him by indulging in my sinful pleasures. I don't want to die as a cause of suicide or making a mistake of mixing something with something else but I do want to feel numb. I want to not have thoughts going round and round in my brain like some damn Ferris wheel. I want my friends to take this seriously and not judge me on what is going on in my life currently. They say that depression happens to everyone but I'm not everyone. I am constantly depressed even though there is nothing to be depressed for. I am EXTREMELY blessed by a heavenly Father who I owe the utmost gratitude. My stomach is acting up today. I have gastritis which is an inflammation of the lining of my stomach. When it flares up it makes it almost impossible to eat sometimes. I am happy that I started this, this way of openly expressing myself to those who are interested in knowing or may have the same experiences in their life or in their love one's lives. I do have several journals at home but writing is like heroin to me. It intoxicates and delights me like wine and I want to do it more and more not caring about the consequences it might bring me. I am not a snitch or am I trying to put anyone on blast but the truth is the truth and it is what it is. I try to be discreet about some issues going on personally but sometimes you gotta let the BEAST out, so what do I do? I vomit it out... I don't mean to make a vulgar description when I need to write how I am feeling but that is what it feels like sometime. I don't want to defame anyone especially my family and friends I just write just like I like to breathe. I just close now by saying that I appreciate all of the feedback that I get from every viewer of this blog. God bless....

11*8*11

It has been awhile since my last post. I have been going through some things that I don't quite feel comfortable in sharing at this point. I am disappointed in my friends except Edlih. She has really taken the time to take this stuff seriously. Writing these posts are sort of my way of writing my own chapter in a book perhaps. I have written hundreds of poems yet the emptiness inside of me remains so what do I do? I self medicate. I will not say what I use to self medicate but only to say that it keeps me wanting to get up and live for that very moment. Everyone has problems and skeletons; some of them are better at hiding them from the world especially those they love and care about. Writing this post sort of leaves the door ajar but not quite open yet. I feel that if I truly revealed everything that I would be thrown into a behavioral facility which I wouldn't want to avoid at the moment. I can't explain how scared I am to live and die. Sometimes I want to take my life but that thought becomes short lived because I KNOW that I won't be going to heaven if I kill myself. The Bible speaks of destroying the body. Then I'll have a headache or pain my chest and the first thing that I think about is a heart attack or aneurysm and then I panic and worse off then before. I have lost a lot of weight this year and I like it. It sucks that I can't wear most of my clothes but I like getting on the scale and seeing my weight under 150lbs. I have never been this thin and my family tell me that I need to gain some weight but I don't want to because it would be something that I can't control. I choose what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. I can no longer eat the size portions that I used to which is a good thing. I tell doctors it's the stress but it really is the ummm... meds that I take. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to get a masectomy which not only removed her breast but the cancer spread to one of her lymph nodes on the right side and she had to get that removed!! Then due to the INCOMPETENT doctor or surgeon she ended up back into the hospital twice for infections!! I feel so bad for her and so bad for feeling frustrated with her sometimes. I lack compassion to some of the things that I know that she can but she just doesn't want to do it. She is undergoing chemo and her hair has fallen out and it's so sad to c her that way. She has sores in her mouth and down her throat which makes it hard for her to actually taste the food that she eats. Sometimes she has nausea and has to vomit.I feel like such a bitch for getting mad every time Baine has to do something for her. I feel like I'm so damn needy sometimes. It's hard for me to even type these words or have these feelings when I pray and read my Bible everyday. I feel like God is mad at me and disappointed in me for not wanting to do everything for her because I have no idea how it feels to have cancer. I told myself that if I had to die of something I would rather it be cancer which is fucking twisted right?!! I feel like cutting myself now. Yes I am an "offiicial" cutter. When the anxiety and self loathing get so severe that God is mad at me that is when I cut. At first I feel nothing but a scratch but then I have to go deeper to break the skin that way I see blood. Once I've seen the blood I stop. When I cut myself I feel like all of the evil inside of me has been drawn out. Once I have cut myself I clean the wound and put neosporin on it and then a welt appears and I love that part!! Yes I am sick and that is why I was approved to receive SSD... I didn't want to apply for it but I had to do something because I became more and more depressed and was having impulsive thoughts of hurting my son. Well this has definitely been a hard thing to say. I pray that it doesn't change anyone's opinion of me because I am a Christian dealing with a mental illness.

Frustration

Throughout this whole ordeal I am learning to be patient with myself and others. I have lost relationships along this journey of life and I hope not to loose any more. It is extremely difficult for me to keep it together for my son let alone my husband sometimes. I don't want to be negative or make others unhappy but when I feel like I'm going down that deep dark tunnel, it's a blessing that I have a husband who understands and is there to support me in any way possible. He does get irritated because he can't "Fix" me. I am not the same person he met 8 years ago. I have always been depressed but the degree of depression has increased seven-fold. I put on facade for him because I wanted him to think that I had it all together and I didn't but the depression wasn't like it is now out of control. I am on medication thank the good Lord but medication can only do so much so I am in therapy and it has taken me a lot of courage to be at the state that I'm in right now.