Frustration

Throughout this whole ordeal I am learning to be patient with myself and others. I have lost relationships along this journey of life and I hope not to loose any more. It is extremely difficult for me to keep it together for my son let alone my husband sometimes. I don't want to be negative or make others unhappy but when I feel like I'm going down that deep dark tunnel, it's a blessing that I have a husband who understands and is there to support me in any way possible. He does get irritated because he can't "Fix" me. I am not the same person he met 8 years ago. I have always been depressed but the degree of depression has increased seven-fold. I put on facade for him because I wanted him to think that I had it all together and I didn't but the depression wasn't like it is now out of control. I am on medication thank the good Lord but medication can only do so much so I am in therapy and it has taken me a lot of courage to be at the state that I'm in right now.

Moving On To The Present- A Christian dealing with mental illness.

The reason why I have decided to move forward with my past is because there is so much of it that has happened to me that it would take FOREVER for me to reach this point. Well I am officially diagnosed with  having Bi-Polar II, OCD, PTSD, ADHD,and GAD. I'm a mess right? To be honest I do feel like a mess most of the time. I have a 3 year old that I love very much see me break down and cry when my OCD is out of control. I am embarrassed to even say that I'm officially a "cutter". This means that I cut myself when the voices in my head get TOO overwhelming and when I cut myself, mentally I feel like the evil inside of me is drawn out. Yes I hear two voices in my head most of the times. I am NOT schizochophrenic in any way because I don't hear different voices and I don't experience paranoia from the voices. I hear two distinct voices but they are my own voices. One of the voices which I feel is the Holy Spirit talks to me when I've done something bad and takes me back to center and says, "Relax God is not mad at you", but the other voice makes me feel like God is mad at me and that he wants to kill me because I watched a movie that haD profanity in it so I feel this inward struggle that makes me want to not only cut myself but do drugs as well. I look at all of these people on the show, "Intervention" that smoke crack, do heroin all because their parents divorced! C'mon my parents were not only divorced at one time but there were countless times that my mom threw our dad out of the house and yet by the GRACE of God I managed to go to school, graduate from college making the Dean's List, and going to get my paralegal certificate while also making the Dean's List for my academic achievements. I am not saying that I'm better than those people but I'm saying that it goes to show you that a traumatic experience to someone may not be traumatic to someone else. The trauma that I experienced in my life has caused me to have be in constant worry that I'm going to die young like my dad, insomnia, homicidal/suicidal thoughts that also contribute to me cutting myself, most importantly I can not watch televsion before I have read the Bible because my anxiety is SOO bad that I think that God is mad at me and thinking that I chose to watch TV than to fellowship with Him by reading the Bible. I read the bible everyday and there are passages that I know by heart however I am scared to have God love me and be close to me because my dad was close to God and God took him from me. I don't have control and I want it. I want to kill myself sometimes yet I don't want God to take me from my son at such a young age. I feel horrible all of the time. I can't tell you how many times that I've wanted to try heroin because it's an opiate because I don't want to FEEL anything at all! I go to a psychiatrist who is very good with my meds but I take a lot of meds just to function because of my OCD/Bi- Polar/ Insomnia I have to take two mood stabilizers because if I don't I feel these intrusive thoughts to hurt someone, specifically my child. I haven't been able to share this with anyone so there are only a selected few that I will allow to take part in this journey. My goal in doing this process to let you know that even though you're a Christian and have a mental disability don't get down on yourself.