I am sort of ashamed to say that I kind of let myself go and not keep this thing up to date. It appears that no one cares to read it but I write it only for my gratification. Ahhh.. well here goes the story. About three years ago I made the BIGGEST mistake that I thought that I would NEVER make. I went outside the marriage and had a sexual experience with another person. This incident was not planned but it was not stopped either because I was extremely inebriated at the time of the incident. My heart broke into pieces because I have NEVER done anything like that before but I felt compelled to tell Baine what happened. The initial reaction was silence. I don't know what I was expecting to occur but I was scared straight. Baine didn't talk to me for a few days and it felt awkward but I could do nothing to change that so I let him be. I let him do whatever he needed to do to cope with this because infidelity is the utmost betrayal that I've ever heard of. So naturally my heart writhes in pain because this person who made a vow not only to him but to God to be faithful has gone out of that circle of trust. Immediately I asked God for forgiveness but I wasn't sure of what would become of my marriage. Would Baine forgive me? Would he want to divorce? Would he go and get even by cheating on me with someone else? I do not justify my mistake but I have learned from it and want to be the best mate for Baine because I love him very much. I don't think that he realizes how much I love him which breaks my heart because I thought that love could withstand whatever obstacle that would be thrown in our way but I have been proven wrong and here I am April 11, 2012 living alone with our son while he has his own place and my hope of becoming a family solely relies on God and my husband's decision. I haven't prayed so much since Caleb passed away. I'm trying to put myself in Baine's shoes and look at the circumstances from his perspective and I begin to hurt even worse because I know that I would be PISSED, however if he had feelings for the person that he committed the affair with, then it would be difficult for me to get passed that because once you have developed an emotional tie to someone it is VERY difficult to separate yourself from that person. My cousin is living with me now from California. I remember my cousin and I being very close during our childhood and I asked for her to come here when Baine decided to move out but now the transition from a male to a female is challenging sometimes. My cousin and I are alike in some ways but there are things that make us happy and make us mad or sad and some of the things that would make me mad causes sort of friction between us and it's hard trying to deal with what is going on with Baine and I and then having to deal with the things that my cousin and I don't necessary see eye to eye on but she has done me a great service being here I'm just getting to know her because events in life changes people all of the time. I know that I am NOT the easiest person to live with but I don't try to stay stuck. My thing has to be that I am a procrastinator and sometimes I am moody that I need to fix because I don't want to hurt other's feelings and I don't want my son to develop those types of mannerisms by watching his ole' mom.
What is your thought on that? The interesting thing is that the answer to this question is entirely subjective because it's interpretation is not the same and is open to the listener for a debate
